Commitment: Self as the Priority

From a therapist, it feels cliche to write about self-care and commitment to self, but honestly when I think about the most important source of commitment, it IS to one’s self. You cannot make a lasting commitment to anything, if you do not value yourself enough to commit to yourself. Commitment is a dedication and concentrated effort toward something. Energy spent achieving something. And again, if you as an individual, are not number one on your list of what you are committed to, then it is very possible you are running ragged.

Now, I’m not supporting unhealthy narcissism nor unchecked inflated egos, but instead a healthy and clear sense of your own commitment to your own prosperity. I have often utilized the following example with clients and it is a good analogy for the type of self-commitment I am encouraging. When you are on an airplane and the flight attendants give you the talk about safety, they explicitly state you must put an air mask on yourself, before aiding another, even your own child. Why? Because if you aren’t breathing, you are no help to anyone.

Perhaps a grim analogy, but hopefully you get the idea that if you are depleted, you can not give with sustainability to anyone or anything. In depleted states of self commitment, many people can get resentful, angry, edgy, depressed, sad, isolated, and self-soothe with substances. These are all defense mechanisms to create distance from the sources of outside commitment because often people do not have the tools to communicate their need for self-care and self-commitment. I deeply believe in committing with enthusiasm to relationships, careers, parenting, service, and your faith, but I also know that if people are not grounded in their own needs, self-care, and limits, they will have so much less to commit. And this again, can lead to the risk of hurting themselves and others with their defenses.

So how do you foster commitment to self without alienating others or becoming narcissistic?

Most importantly, get to know your needs and limits. 

I imagine for most of us there is a range of functioning from optimum to “just hanging in there.” Sometimes, depending on life circumstances such as a new born baby, finals week, work presentations, and life transitions of various natures, we may be functioning closer to the “just hanging in there” level of performance. This is expected sometimes in life, but the goal of self-commitment is to have optimum functioning happen more often than not. It is important to know what optimum functioning looks like and what allows you to be there. How many hours of sleep do you need? What nourishment aids you being your best? How much exercise, fresh air, relaxation, connection with others helps you maintain optimum functioning? And at the other extreme, what are your limits for these areas? If you were a plant, how much water, nutrients and sunlight would you need and what would make you wilt?

Then learn how to communicate about these needs and limits. 

Once you know your needs and limits, it is important to communicate them to the people you share you life with especially when you are getting close to hitting a limit. We can not expect others to know we are overwhelmed, if we do not communicate being overwhelmed. We cannot expect others to read our needs from our huffs, puffs, sighs and eye rolls. We must use words and tones in a calm manner to communicate our needs and limits. Take the time to formulate how to say what you need and your limits. The process of communicating your needs and limits is not always an easy task and sometimes formulating your thoughts with a friend or therapist is a good idea.

The hard work of learning about what you need and how to communicate your needs to others is a commitment you make to yourself. Take these steps and you will see a change in your energy, relationships, and ability to commit to other areas of your life with enthusiasm.