Storytelling: “This Means War!”
Oh, the stories we tell ourselves! Sometimes we aren’t even aware that we create stories, yet storytelling is a common trap. We can take a simple situation, attach meaning and emotion to the situation, and then create a tale that often causes an internal emotional reaction. A look, an unreturned text message, a comment without context, a limp handshake, a lack of acknowledgement, an over-acknowledgement, and the list of misinterpretations goes on and on. These tales of unproven assumptions probably happen daily for many of us. The unfortunate result of these stories often leave the storyteller feeling anxious, angry, hurt, and sad.
One of my favorite examples showing, in a comedic way, the danger of story telling is in the Marx Brothers' film, Duck Soup. The plot of the movie is that Freedonia, a made up country, is impoverished and has borrowed funding from a wealthy female resident, Mrs. Teasdale. She decides to appoint Rufus T. Firefly, played by Groucho Marx, as president before continuing to help fund the small country. Additionally the neighboring Sylvanian, another created country, wants to take over Freedonia and, the ambassador, Trentino, is coming to met with Firefly in the attached scene. The hilarity begins when Marx goes from congenially agreeing to meet with Trentino to within seconds creating a story that infuriates Marx and ends with him slapping Trentino the minute the ambassador walks into the room. Please take the time to watch and enjoy a great example of story telling.
While the above referenced example creates laughs, humor is not often the result of our story telling. This is especially true when we do not take the time to challenge our own stories. If we believe our stories we run the risk of misinterpretation and emotional upset. If we take the time to explore the foundation of our created story, and pair the story back to the known facts and not rely on the created ideas, we can hopefully avoid hurt. The following steps are some ways to avoid getting caught up in our own stories.
Check for proven and known facts
It’s easy to create a story from assumptions. When you catch yourself in a story, make sure to confirm for yourself what can be verified. Be aware of “facts” you may have created from assumptions or unsupported ideas. Be careful to not use “facts” created from your own judgements, meaning the way someone “looked” at you or their tone or body posture. When we project our own judgement on to the non-verbal communication of another, it can sometimes lead us astray.
Ask for clarification
Make sure to check out your assumptions. Brene Brown, well known author and social researcher, has a great line. She encourages us to check out with people our assumptions by saying, “The story I just created in my head when (blank happened) was (blank).” This is a way to ask for clarification without blame. When you take responsibility for the story you are creating while asking for clarity, this process allows for the person you are communicating with to remain in a less defensive stance.
Sit in the moment
Sometimes we just need to breathe and realize all we have control of is this very moment. When we start spinning tales we are often living in the past or the future. Come back to the present and notice what is happening in the now. Pay attention to your breathe and regain composure.