Acknowledgment: The Journey of Joining
Often we encounter a friend going through a hard time, experiencing a crisis, or dealing with the aftermath of a tragedy. We might feel stuck in how to support them. What do you say? How do you act? What is helpful? Sometimes our natural inclination is to try to make the situation better or minimize the pain with antidotes. We might try to share our own story of a painful loss in order to give reference to our friend that we understand what they are experiencing. Of course these reactions come from a loving place of caring for our friend, but might not be helpful.
If you have ever been on the receiving side of the support, you might recall this experience. Optimism and cheery reframes can sometimes fall flat. Well intended messages can make the person struggling feel unseen and unheard. Friends sharing their own stories of pain can sometimes feel negating. So what do you do and say?
I highly recommend checking out the video below and perhaps even getting the referenced book by Megan Devine. Devine, psychotherapist and author, explains in her book, It’s OK to not be OK, how to join our loved ones in their pain. She posits that acknowledging exactly where our friend is emotionally can feel far more supportive then offering solutions or escapes to the pain. While this video is referencing how to address the grief of a loved one, it is also applicable in any situation where hardships are shared.
As someone who has a noticeably optimistic nature, it has been a learning curve and a gift for me to recognize the value of just being with someone in their pain. Growing up there were sayings that resonated with me about “silver linings,” “looking on the sunny side,” and “things happen for a reason.” But as I grew, I began to understand a different element of acknowledging pain rather than dismissing it. We often can’t give reason to or unravel horrendous situations. Pain happens and we can’t explain it away. Do we continue to move on, yes, but sometimes we just can’t make sense of tragedy. It may feel counter intuitive, but we tend to move on more easily if we are not met with messages trying to curtail our grief. If we allow ourselves and others to be exactly where we are in our emotional experience, then we are given and have the space needed to deal with the new reality.
It is not easy to watch a loved one suffer, but acknowledging the depth of their pain while you sit with them is the greatest support you can sometimes offer.
Please check out the attached video, book, and website of Megan Devine.Megan Devine
website: www.refugeingrief.com