Comparison: The Thief of Joy
I recently heard this saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and it hit me like a ton of bricks due to its accuracy. Theodore Roosevelt is attributed with its origin, but I can’t imagine he had insight into the significance of this quote in our current social media culture. I have many clients who struggle with the images people portray on social media in comparison to their own lives. So let’s look at how we can decrease our urge to compare or at least understand how to utilize it to be helpful and not hurtful.
Dangers of Comparison
Inaccuracy - I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to remind people that what is presented on social media or sometimes even in person, doesn’t always tell the whole story. You probably could relate to this yourself. Have there been times when you presented only the best parts of the vacation when telling people about it? Have you often offered simplified answers when people are asking you how you are doing? Rarely do we let others know the minutiae happening in our lives. The little details impacting our internal dialogue, stress, and relationships infrequently get shared. More often than not, people don’t know the whole story about one another so how can we accurately utilize comparison? We can’t!
Decreases Mindfulness - When you are stuck in a loop of what others have or do or are, you are not in the current moment. Comparison takes us into the past and future very easily. We compare and then there is often an internal message of, “If only I had…,” or, “I’m going to…,” or, “I should have…” None of this is helpful because all we have is the present moment. If you follow the comparison road, you can spend precious minutes, hours, and days wasting energy not being in the now. This moment right now is the only moment you have. Be in it and make it all you can.
Intensifies Negative Self-Talk - In order to achieve wellness and good mental health, it is critical that we work on our self-talk. That voice in your head has so much power. It can be encouraging, empathic, and motivating or it can be critical, punishing, and cruel. The toxicity of comparison often amplifies the cruelty.
Is there any benefit to Comparison?
I get it. It can be really easy to notice what other people have and what you don’t have. This may be a hard pattern to change, but reducing your comparative nature has so many benefits and you will notice your life significantly improve. As you work on not comparing your life to others here are a couple of things you can do to soften the experience of comparison when it does show up.
Use it to motivate - You hear about your friend who has just lost 10 pounds and you feel pangs of jealousy. Your sister and her husband just took an amazing trip to Europe and it escalates your feelings of inadequacy in your relationship. Stop comparing and start doing. If you witness someone else doing something or having something that you want, make a plan of action. It will not get you anywhere to wallow in the unfairness of the situation, but if you take action even small steps, you will feel better about your life.
Use it to deepen the understanding that we are unique - Full disclosure, I was an avid comparer through most of my life. I’ll say I’m in recovery, but still have relapses. One of the best pieces of advice I received was from my husband. We were in the early stages of dating and he called me out for a comparison I shared with him. He said, “There will always be someone faster, prettier, or smarter than you. You can find them all over. The trick is to embrace and be happy with YOU.” At first, I was very annoyed at this statement because all I heard from my new boyfriend was, “There are people prettier than you.” After some time, I realized the gem in what he was saying and it was even a relief. I am unique. There is no one just like me. I don’t have to be anyone else or do what anyone else does. All I have to do is be the best version of me.