Conflict: Discover the Root Issue
I often discuss with couples the importance of uncovering the root cause of their recurring issues. People frequently get stuck thinking the argument is about a specific topic, but it often has a much deeper foundation. For instance, a couple might argue about a single dish left in the sink, but it can escalate into a finger-pointing, name-calling fight filled with exaggerated accusations. In retrospect, the couple may review the fight with disbelief, asking, “Really, was that fight caused by just one dish?” The answer to that is a definitive no.
I like to break down the analysis of a fight into two parts: the content and the process. The content is the easier aspect to identify and understand. In the example above, the content is the dish. The process is where the real work needs to be done within the couple's dynamic; it is what emotionally underlies the argument. When I explain this to a couple in my office, the person who was upset about the dish can usually quickly identify the emotional issue at hand. Again, using the above example, the process may reveal that the dish represented a level of disrespect to the husband because he always cleans the kitchen before leaving for work to make his life easier and less chaotic upon returning home. The wife, however, didn’t realize the impact the dish had nor had they, as a couple, identified other areas where a lack of respect might be felt.
What if neither participant in the fight can identify the underlying emotional issue? There's a valuable tool called the “5 Whys.” In the 1930s, Sakichi Toyoda, the founder of Toyota Industries, developed this strategy as a problem-solving method. Essentially, you formulate a question about the problem and then ask yourself, “why?” After obtaining the initial answer, you challenge yourself to dig a little deeper by asking “why” again. You repeat this process a total of five times. Without fail, you will gain a better understanding of the root issue.
Here is a classic example of the “5 Whys” with a mechanical issue:
The machine is malfunctioning.
Why? Because a part broke.
Why? Because the part was not properly maintained.
Why? Because the maintenance schedule was not followed.
Why? Because there was no training on the maintenance schedule.
Why? Because the training was not updated.
Now let’s try it with the dish example:
I am infuriated that Jill left her unwashed breakfast dish in the sink.
Why? Because how hard is it for her to put it in the dishwasher?
Why does that make you angry? Because I’ve asked her to do this before, and she hasn’t changed her behavior.
Why does that make you upset? Because I feel like she doesn’t listen to me.
Why is that hard? Because I feel disrespected and like she doesn’t value the same things I do.
Why is that hard? Because I want a relationship where we mutually respect each other's asks.
You can see and perhaps even feel the deflation of intensity that occurs when we dig a little deeper. In the example above, this upset is rooted in a deep desire to respect and value one another. This is a great starting point for a conversation, rather than where it began.
The next time you feel really upset about something that seems to have a deeper root, try the “5 Whys” method. You may even find that the issue resolves itself when you understand the root cause.