Expectations: The Four Tendencies
The holiday season is upon us. It can be a lovely time of gatherings with people you care about. It can also be a time people dread due to family dynamics and unworked out relationships. I recently stumbled on Gretchen Rubin’s book, The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People's Lives Better, Too), which has some helpful frameworks to utilize during the holiday season.
Rubin has created four identity categories based on how you respond to expectations. She also breaks expectations into two categories: Outer, expectations set by others, such as a boss demanding something from you, a family expectation, or a partner’s request; and Inner expectations, which are those set for yourself toward yourself, like flossing every day or staying committed to your exercise routine. There is a quiz on her website to identify which tendency you lean toward. Here is the link: https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/
Below is a basic explanation of the four tendencies with an emphasis on what motivates each category and some sticky areas for the four types. By making meaning of your tendency and the tendencies of your loved ones you will be deepening communication with one another and enjoying more effective interactions.
Upholder - “What’s on the schedule and the to-do list for today?”
You can tell from the question Upholder’s ask they tend toward organization, planning, and accomplishment. Often very rule oriented, they are great at keeping their word. You can count on Upholder’s to follow through. Rigidity can be the weak spot for Upholders. Sometimes their commitment to the task can blind them and not allow for flexibility. They work very hard at doing the “right” thing and can take redirection personally, but a gentle checking in about efficiency and importance of a task offers an opportunity for them to self-redirect.
Questioner - “What needs to get done today?”
The analyzation of the word “needs” in the above question really highlights the Questioner’s motivation. Questioners are naturally curious and expectations must make sense to them. They will carefully assess and determine their stance with whatever information they have at their access. They have a strong internal guideline based on logic and struggle to uphold an expectation they don’t see as efficient, productive, or useful. When working with Questioners it is important to explain your “why” in the expectation so they can better understand the request. It can also be helpful to ask Questioners to teach you how they got to their stance. Questioners often like to explain and this exchange can deepen understanding between the two of you.
Obliger - “What must I do today?”
Obligation is a huge motivating factor for the Obliger. They are driven by outside accountability, never wanting to let others down. They are terrific team players, flexible, and generous. They also have a gaping achilles heel. They struggle to hold expectations for themselves which can quickly led to burnout and resentment. Obligers are helped by altering the framework in which they see expectations. If Obligers can understand that taking care of themselves, setting boundaries, and establishing balance in their life, benefits others as well, they are more likely to focus on those goals.
Rebel - “What do I want to do today?”
Freedom and self-determination are the motivating factors for the Rebel. They are creative, out-of-the-box thinkers and responsible for so much ingenuity. They also really struggle with rules, expectations, being told what to do, and being part of a team. This can even be true for rules they set for themselves. They often feel committed to being in the moment and understanding their immediate needs, which can sometimes undermine their own expectations. Choice is such an important tool with Rebels. They need to feel that they have some sort of agency in fulfilling a request.
Take the quiz and deepen your understanding of these tendencies to aid for a smoother holiday season with family and friends.