Feeling Stuck: The Key May Be Acceptance and Grief

I don't intend to reveal any trade secrets, but I must admit that the two most common goals in therapeutic work are acceptance and grief. I share this information to help people, whether they are in therapy or not, understand some basic principles of life’s disappointments, traumas, pains, and moments of being stuck. Let me elaborate further.

Acceptance

Whether you seek therapy to navigate recurring conflicts in a relationship, wounds inflicted by your parents, stresses caused by your children, the loss of a loved one or a relationship, or anxieties stemming from work, finances, or life, some aspect of the process will involve accepting reality. Circular patterns and the weight of feeling stuck are often linked to the failure to acknowledge and accept what is.

I’m not saying that circumstances can’t change, increased communication can’t happen, and learned coping mechanisms can’t be adapted. What I am saying is that there must be an understanding and exploration of the limits of the situation's reality. If you and your spouse argue constantly and only one of you is willing to read books on communication or attend therapy, you need to accept that dynamic. If you’ve never had the relationship you wanted with your father and are in your 50s, you have to admit that the relationship is what it is. Acceptance is the first step toward movement and change.

When you accept the reality of what it is, you reclaim your power and decision-making. You determine what to do next. If you don’t accept the things you cannot change, you will be trapped in an ongoing cycle.

I want to be clear that acceptance is not resignation or giving up. Acceptance acknowledges a limit. It feels calm, even peaceful, and does not evoke annoyance or frustration. If you feel resentful, you are not truly accepting.

This may seem counterintuitive, but acceptance enables you to advocate for what you desire. When you achieve acceptance, the circumstances become clearer. You have moved away from fantasies of what could, should, or would have been and embraced what will be.

Grief

Walking hand in hand through the journey toward acceptance is grief. There can be profound sorrow when we confront the reality of a situation. I have sat with numerous individuals who recognize they are headed for divorce because the marriage cannot withstand the dynamics, or with adult children mourning the parenting they wished they had experienced.

Grief is essential, and it must be witnessed. Witnessing grief is the most tender aspect of my job. When clients acknowledge their grief regarding a situation, they often cry and need time to sit with that acknowledgment.

Let me share a few tips for supporting someone who is grieving. Grief occurs in quiet moments and needs space to be acknowledged. Please don’t rush through grief if you are witnessing it; it doesn’t need to be made "better" or "okay.” Avoid dismissing the pain of grief or offering light or cheerful phrases. Grief requires recognition and an understanding that it is difficult and often painful.

If you feel stuck, consider whether you need to embrace acceptance and grief to progress in your journey. Reach out to a sympathetic friend or therapist. You deserve to move forward.