Parenting: Raising Children in a Gaming World
As we step into Summer, I'd like to introduce you to a book that could be a game-changer in your parenting journey. 'How to Raise a Healthy Gamer' by the renowned Dr. Alok Kanojia, (Dr. K), is a treasure trove of practical advice. With his deep understanding of the science behind video games, Dr. K equips parents with the necessary knowledge and provides actionable tips to establish healthy gaming boundaries. I'll touch upon a few key points, but I strongly recommend this book if you're raising a child, teen, or young adult in today’s digital age.
Brain Chemistry
The well-known dopamine hits in video games and social media have been extensively covered in news articles, but Dr. K goes further, explaining that video games have a deeper impact. They influence the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the frontal lobes of the brain, areas crucial for emotional regulation, decision-making, and memory. Dr. K vividly illustrates the escape video games provide for children as they navigate the challenges of childhood and adolescence. While video games can be a refuge, they can also lead to brain development issues if not managed.
Parenting
Reading the above statement regarding the impact on brain development may lead parents to take a firm stand on video games, maybe even desiring to forbid them entirely. The difficulty with the absolute restriction of video games, social media, or technology for our children is that it is unrealistic today. As parents, you must understand what you are up against in today’s world and begin to shift the dynamic from that understanding. Dr. K specifically reviews the trap of parenting from our negative emotional states of fear, frustration, and guilt. When we parent from an ungrounded emotional state, we deepen a chasm of misunderstanding between our children and ourselves. If we learn to care for ourselves emotionally as parents, we can create more reasonable and sustainable expectations around technology for our children.
Communication
Once you've gained a calmer, more collected emotional experience, you can devise a game plan to discuss and make agreements with your children about video games. I particularly appreciate Dr. K’s recognition that most conversations about video games escalate quickly because the topic is already loaded. The book dedicates a substantial section to help you defuse the fear your children may be reacting to when the subject is broached. If you've felt like discussing video games is like going into battle, this book can be your guide. Dr. K emphasizes the importance of establishing an alliance with your children, reflective listening, open-ended questions, expressing confusion, and the intriguing concept of 'going meta.'
I’ve used a similar concept to ‘going meta’ for years when working with stagnant arguments. When we argue with our spouse or our children, the arguments can be pretty repetitive. When this happens, it is helpful to shift the perspective, to move from the content of the argument to the process of the discussion. For example, if we argue over who takes out the trash every week, we shift the discussion about noticing the repetition and wondering about what is getting in our way to move toward a solution. ‘Going meta’ in terms of video game discussions encourages a similar approach. Noticing the pattern of communication dissolves judgment and allows for more alignment.
I hope this book helps reduce common summer frustrations and fears about too much screen time. Allow Dr. K to be your guide to a more peaceful summer.