Self-Compassion: Release the Pressure

Pressure cookers are amazing for braised meats and roasts, but the same mechanism is horrid for our mental health. As I listen and watch people during this pandemic, I notice the internalized steam and heat rising within people’s homes and minds. Couples and families are spending much more time together. Parents are doing their best to parent and teach their children. Kids are doing their best to adapt to confinement they have never experienced before. Individuals are striving to organize closets, paint rooms, and clean every inch of the house. 

Just writing this makes me take a deep breath in and whooosh…..

In order to create a release valve for the pressure building within these homes and minds, we must refocus on self-compassion. Dr. Kristen Neff, the world’s leading expert on self-compassion has defined various components of this work, done extensive research, and has many resources on her website for continued education. (https://self-compassion.org) Neff describes self-compassion as an intentional turning inward with the same kindness and thoughtfulness you would lend a good friend. Neff’s premise is that we know and have great experience in giving compassion, it just tends to be to others not ourselves. She challenges us to turn kindness and love internally. Rather than judge or have criticism for yourself, try to acknowledge and gently reassure yourself as you would a friend going through a hard time. 

I offer a similar frame when working with clients. I ask them to talk to themselves the way they would a young child. If a child makes a mistake, we don’t mentally beat that child up over and over. We give correction with love. We offer support to change the behavior not shame or chastise them. Try the same with yourself the next time you feel you haven’t achieved what you wanted or have made a mistake.

Another way to shift the critical inner dialogue to a more compassionate voice is with psychological distancing. I recently listened to this noted podcast (https://www.happinesslab.fm/coronavirus-bonus-episodes/episode-2-coach-yourself-through-a-crisis) with Dr. Ethan Kross, a professor at the University of Michigan, as he explained how to develop a self-coaching voice. One tool to develop an internal psychological distance is by speaking to yourself in the third person. For example, “Jen is having a hard time right now. It’s okay Jen. You are going to get through this.” It would perhaps feel funny to say out loud and probably not recommended, but if you try it internally, it can feel quite comforting. This type of inner-dialogue in the third person can be reminiscent of a coach, teacher, or parent you had in your life that was encouraging and supportive.

All of these ways of thinking encourage a gentler internal conversation which is needed now more than ever. Please be kind to yourself and others.