Stop the Clocks: A Personal Essay on Grief
A poem by British-American poet W.H. Auden called “Funeral Blues” starts, “Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.” I have referenced this poem many times when working with grieving clients because when someone dies, it feels like time should stop. It is one of the most bizarre, yet natural experiences. We know life just keeps moving forward, minute after minute, but it feels like there should be a pause, a halt.
I’ve been processing this element of grief recently as my world came to a screech in early December. My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 71. Arn and I weren’t biologically related. He came into my life when I was 8 and married my Mom when I was 10, but there was never a time from when he entered my life when I didn’t feel the steadiness of his love or the consistency of his presence. He was the rock of our family. He was everything a dad should be; solid, kind, wise, encouraging, unwavering, and present.
So when he wasn’t present any longer, it didn’t make sense and in many ways, it still doesn’t, but I’m learning how to incorporate this new landscape.
One of the greatest gifts from this process emerged from my sweet sister’s mouth; a reminder to slow down. I was many miles away from my family who live in North Carolina when I found out about my Dad. My Mom and sisters had tried to get in touch with me and we finally connected in the early morning hours. I knew I had to go be with my family, but my head was spinning with the news. My sister Kate said most gently and calmly, “Jen, take some time to process this. We have had hours to sit with this. Get off the phone and just take some time.” As she said those words, I knew she was right. I needed a minute to just sit in this emotion.
This relationship with time and how to manage it had been something I’d been working on, but now this lesson was hitting home. We live in a hustle culture. We make lists, get stuff done, and focus on production and outcomes. I embrace this way of being and for the most part, it works for me, but I also recognize that the hustle culture teaches us to “get through,” “get over,” and “move on,” from things. Yes, forward movement is inevitable. The clocks don’t stop, but we can allow ourselves time to be “in” it.
What does it mean to be “in” it? For me, allowing time to sit with my emotions has permitted me to cancel social commitments, make time for quiet moments, and take time for reflection and contemplation. In the quiet moments, I can get more centered about how I feel, what I need, and where I’m headed.
The idea of slowing down during grief and feeling into our emotional experience is echoed in an episode of Anderson Cooper’s podcast, All There Is, Season 2, “Facing Our Grief.” This episode features Francis Weller, MFT and author of The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief. It is an incredibly powerful and rich episode with wisdom for anyone facing grief whether from the death of a loved one, grief of expectation and loss, or dealing with the grief our world witnesses daily due to war and discord. Weller’s guidance and insight are remarkable.
So, I’m learning that life doesn’t stop, nor do the clocks, but I can take timeouts, tend to my emotional experiences, and then step back into rhythm with the flow of life.