Emotional safety: The Art of Vulnerability
One of the most comforting feelings is knowing that you have a space to bring all parts of self. A place, literal or figurative, physical or spiritual, that allows you without judgment to be yourself. We hope the first example of this starts in the home. A loving, warm environment in which we know we are always loved and accepted, no matter the situation. Where poor decisions we make are addressed, but never without the reminder that we continue to be held in unconditional love. Unfortunately, this is not often the case. Parenting is hard and people do the best they can with what they have, but mistakes are made and wounds created. Many people grow up in environments that do not create emotional safety, nor allow them to feel comfortable bringing forth all aspects of themselves.
We then grow up and try to create emotionally safe and accepting bonds in relationship with others and within ourselves. But how do we do this if our model was one of "cut-off," "shut-down," "keep up appearances," and/or "get over it"? How do we have emotional safety and sharing, if it has never been safe to share? I believe the key is understanding, owning and sharing our own vulnerabilities. Exploring our vulnerable parts of self, the places where we feel fear, shame, sadness, loss, and embarrassment, then acknowledging those pieces with non-judgment to ourselves and/or others. This is how we create our own emotional safety.
It takes a great deal of courage to own the places within self that feel unsure. Often these parts of self are protected by our defenses. If someone touches on these places, we often have defensive reactions. Our defenses can be a great tool in spotting our vulnerabilities. The following is a simplistic example of relating through defensive behavior and then an example of how the art of vulnerability can change that exchange.
Two parents attending their son's basketball game. They arrived at different times and have just greeted one another.
Partner 1: "You seem on edge, everything okay?"
Partner 2: "Why are you always on me about being edgy? Everything is fine."
The conversation continues with Partner 2 having increased irritability until it results in a fight about something minor, like who can pick up milk on the way home from the store. What is behind this argument is Partner 2's unresolved, uncomfortable feelings about going to the game. Partner 2 is exhausted, slammed with work and wants nothing more than to go home rather than be at the game. The dilemma is that Partner 2 wants to support their son and would feel guilty not attending the game. Rather than tell Partner 1 this, Partner 2 doesn't acknowledge these feelings and it results in an argument. What happens if Partner 2 goes into the art of vulnerability and shares the uncomfortable dilemma?
Partner 1: "You seem on edge, everything okay?"
Partner 2: "Yeah, I'm just exhausted and don't really want to be here, but would feel really guilty if I wasn't here rooting on Jared. It's just a tough place for me to be and I feel really stuck."
This is a much different conversation and this scenario creates a connection between Partner 1 and 2. They are able to commiserate on the difficulties in parenting and the balance of self care versus care for others. There is a sharing that feels rejuvenating and warm. The shared vulnerability allows for emotional safety and caring between the partners and within self.
Brene Brown is a scholar, researcher, self-help guru and expert on vulnerability. Her TED talk on "The Power of Vulnerability" is widely watched and referenced. I've attached it at the bottom and highly recommend it. What I appreciate in Brown's work is this formula; if you want to live a life that is "wholehearted," you then must be willing to share your vulnerabilities. The creation of emotional safety within our lives must come from the ownership and acceptance of our vulnerabilities