Forgiveness: A Gift to Self

In listening to a lecture by Alan Watts, he said, “Forgiveness changes the past.” He talks about the power of the present moment as it relates to forgiveness. He explains that if we take the present moment to forgive, we change the meaning of the past event. The following experience was my journey with forgiveness and changing the meaning of part of my past.

When I think of my stories of forgiveness the greatest lesson was the journey of forgiveness in relation to my father. I specifically say "in relation" rather than "forgiving my father," because in the process of my forgiveness journey I realized it was not he I was forgiving, it was the pain I was releasing “in relation” to him that created a universal shift in my world and allowed me to live in a more understanding, forgiving energy.

For a long time I carried disappointment, hurt, and feelings of abandonment in relation to my father. He had been absent through most of my childhood and rarely sought me out as his daughter. I had made attempts to visit, connect, communicate with him, but my expectations were built on fantasy and my let downs were always emotional. I resented his desertion and I wanted acknowledgement from him of how he had hurt me. I wanted him to pursue a relationship with me and show me how much he desired a connection with his only biological daughter. I was disappointed every time, until I changed my perception.

After much internal work influenced by therapy, spirituality, and men who role modeled the capacity of loving, connected, and intimate relationships, I began a relationship with an inner nurturing masculine energy. I was able to foster the little girl inside of me that had felt abandoned and provide my own sense of holding, appreciation, and love.

As part of this journey, I traveled to see my father and communicate to him how I had been hurt for so long, but that I no longer expected him to fulfill the fantasies that had shaded my world. Essentially, I released him and in the process released myself from the chains of pain. In this conversation with my father it became clear to me that he did the best he could do. He did not know how to be a father to me or how to reach out emotionally. What I had perceived as desertion and took personally, was a man paralyzed by his own fear which had nothing to do with me.

It solidified my belief in humanity and the fact that we are not malicious beings. We act from survival, if we know nothing else. We self-preserve not to hurt others, but to take care of self. We cannot give, if our resources are so depleted that we ourselves are scraping for our own morsels of continued existence.

Now I see my father on occasion and I wish him well.