Lost and Found: A Cycle in Relationships

There have been times in my marriage when I have felt lost, alone, and unseen. Prior to marriage I hadn’t realized that I would have these types of feelings in relationship. I had this picture perfect image in my head about being in a constant state of sync with my partner. At some level, I equated arguments with a dissolving marriage. If we weren’t in symbiotic rhythm, then we were doomed….

Well, reality set in. We are two different people with different opinions, backgrounds, ideas, visions, and expectations. With differences there will be disagreement. Dr. John Gottman, renown researcher on couples, often discusses that it is not if couples fight, but how they fight. This was a huge learning curve for me. It resulted in me understanding that when conflict arose and I felt lost, it didn’t correspond to doom or the end of a relationship. I had to learn that conflict and variance offered an opportunity for growth and deepening intimacy. It offered me the opportunity to find a new understanding of myself and my partner.

The process of going from feeling lost in conflict to finding new and deeper connection through conflict is a continuous journey. It has been one of trial and error. We have had to learn how to “argue well.” These are some tips that help me:

Try not to take things personally. 

This is a principle true in arguments and throughout life. To not take something personally is to keep our reactivity in check. It is keeping our defensiveness at bay. It is soothing the inner wind up. When we listen to one another and remove the element that feels like an attack, we can often more clearly hear what our partner is saying. When we get caught up in a defensive stance because we feel personally attacked, we don’t really hear one another. There is no question that this is a difficult task, but it is unbelievable effective. When we control our emotional reactivity to a situation, we are more empowered.

Build appreciations and your emotional bank account. 

An argument is much easier to survive when you have a solid emotional bank account. Sharing appreciations with your partner is a significant way to build this account. This can be done verbally or physically. It can be experienced through a thoughtful gesture or kind words. Saying thank you or expressing your love builds this account. Ask your partner how they feel most appreciated and make sure to make deposits in the account. It will go a long way when you hit your next snag.

Make repairs.

Gottman references the idea of making repairs during and after arguments. An example of a repair is saying, “I’m sorry” or taking responsibility for your part of the argument. It can also be acknowledging the need for a time out or break in the intense conversation. If voices have been raised, attempting to soften tones or lower voices is seen as a repair. A smile or perhaps a self-deprecating laugh can be a tension breaker which is another way to repair. Essentially, a repair is an “offering” that signifies moving toward resolution or at least shifting away from the intensity.

You, too, may occasionally feel lost in relationships, but know that it is possible to turn toward one another even in conflict and be found.