Relationships: Vocalize your expectations
As February is upon us and with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, it seems appropriate to write about the biggest downfall of this holiday: unspoken expectations.
I’ve never really been a fan of Valentine’s Day. That may be a surprising sentiment as I am absolutely an advocate for declarations of love, but I have always felt Valentine’s Day takes the natural element of sharing how you feel about someone and forces it to be expressed on this one day. It feels contrived and based on advertising agendas. It often feels one-sided with most marketing messages focused on men to fawn attention and gifts on women. There is an outrageous amount of pressure and a forced nature surrounding the expression of love to your significant other. All of this pressure and required action, naturally sets up expectations. With expectations, more often than not, there is disappointment.
So for a day that is suppose to shine a light on love, it is ripe with the opportunity for loneliness and let downs. I have heard so many stories of women and men feeling under appreciated, unseen and hurt around this holiday. Most of the stories involve an unspoken fantasy, desire, wish, or expectation that is unfulfilled. The key element in these stories is the unspoken part. It is unfair and a set up for disappointment when we don’t verbalize our needs, desires, and expectations. Now, there is no guarantee that when we speak our expectations they will be met, but there is a far greater chance of our expectations being met if we have the courage to say what we desire on this day or any other day for that matter.
We live in a society that produces TV, movies, and novels where romantic partners often intuit the needs of one another. I can not emphasize enough how important it is to realize these are fantasy, not reality. When in relationship, we owe it to ourselves and our partners to vocalize how we feel, what we need, and what we desire to have happen. We can not expect our partners to be mind readers. And we may need to discuss these yearnings over and over. We may even need to plan them out ourselves to guarantee their success or occurrence. We also may need to grieve and accept the limit of our partners fulfilling all of our fantasies. But, it is also possible that by communicating our needs, they may be met.
A tool to help us with expressing our expectations is understanding our expectations. How do you like to receive love? How do you like to give love? Becoming clearer on these elements will help you express to your partner what you desire. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, outlines five different ways in which most people like to receive and express love. The following link takes you to the website that allows you to determine your love style. It is a quick survey, but can be super helpful in communicating your needs to your partner. Check it out and open the line of communication with your partner about expectations.