Losing Yourself: Differentiation in Relationships
Often the beginning of a relationship is referred to as the “honeymoon” period. A time when our partners can “do no wrong” in our eyes, there is physical and mental chemistry, things “just click”, all the similarities are highlighted and rarely are the differences noted. This period lays an important foundation for sustainable relationships. There is a symbiosis that happens during a budding romance that enables cohesion and connection. Individual likes and dislikes get muted for the benefit of connection with one’s partner. The partnership becomes the focus rather than the needs of the individual.
But it is also important to know that this period must change and progress; the honeymoon must end for the relationship to have a chance to mature to the next level. If this time of symbiosis doesn’t change, the relationship and the individuals in the relationship could emotionally be drowned by their own lack of differentiation.
The following paragraph offers a definition of differentiation summarized from David Schnarch's book Passionate Marriage. Definitely a valuable read as he goes into depth about differentiation, recognizing the crucibles in marriage and how to persevere through these tests resulting in greater intimacy. Differentiation is a concept not widely portrayed in our movies, on TV, or in romance novels. There is a great deal of confusion in our society about love, relationships, and connection. Relationships are often portrayed as magical, as fantasy, when in fact these fictional relationships are drenched in emotional fusion and often unbalanced. A truly magical relationship is one in which both individuals are well-differentiated and whole on their own.
Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others - especially as they become increasingly important to you. Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when lovers, friends and family pressure you to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they're "losing themselves," and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still "know who they are." They don't have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.
As indicated in the above paragraph, differentiation doesn’t just apply to romantic partnerships. It is critical for balanced mental health to differentiate from our families as well. Sometimes this is the hardest place to apply the principals of differentiation. The key to differentiation in any relationship is a balance of compromise and holding on to one’s self. We must be aware of how our compromising pendulum swings. Many people can go from compromising too much to not compromising at all. Learning how to negotiate and be tolerant of differences while holding on to our individual ideas, needs and desires is differentiation in practice.
Differentiation can be challenging and feel distancing, lonely and sometimes scary. And yet, it is necessary because without differentiation, our relationships are not given the space to flourish.