Freedom: Choose your Battles

"You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to."

~Anonymous

Imagine this scene, two people pulling as hard as they can on either sides of a rope, trying with all their might to move the opposing person to their side. The tugging, the effort, the struggle only dissipates when one or the other gets too exhausted to fight-the-fight any longer. One becomes the victor and one the defeated. But what if there is another choice? What if one or the other allowed themselves the freedom to let go of the rope, disengage without exhaustion or defeat? This is the freedom to choose your battles.

Learning how to choose your battles is an integral trait in any long-term partnered relationship as well as parenting. There will be many things you and your partner disagree upon. There will probably be even more disagreements with your children. Some people naturally have an easiness about them. People that possess this ease “let things go” or “like a water off a duck’s back” allow things to fade away without emotional disturbance. Other people feel more inclined to make sure their point is heard, opinion expressed, and argument made for every topic imaginable. Most of us fall somewhere in between and our commitment to arguing often depends on what is at stake.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with being assertive, defining boundaries, and expressing opinions, but recognizing when to make these assertions is the true challenge. Deciphering which battles to engage in, will allow your energy to be more decisive. It can be quite exhausting fighting battle after battle. Evaluating where to express your assertions also gives your word more of a concentrated punch. If you find issue with many areas and choose to diffuse your argumentative energy, often your word is not as well received or valued. Avoid being labeled and dismissed as “perpetually argumentative” by exploring the ideas below.

Prioritizing Values

The most effective tool in choosing your battles is understanding where your values lie and what you are willing to “fight” for. Points of contention may be based on cultural, religious, ethical, political, financial and social disparities of opinion. When learning how to choose your battles, it is critical to understand where your priorities lie. What do you value? What is significant enough in your life for you to argue about?

Safety

Safety is the one area that can not be compromised. If you feel you are not safe, your children are at risk or unsafe, or someone you know is at risk, then I would encourage you to “fight” that battle. It is not wise to be passive when safety is at risk.

What Remains

Another tool in exploring where to expend your argumentative energy is reflection. I recently read some articles about what people reflect upon when they are close to death. Usually people talk about family, their legacy, the value of and in their life, their loves and losses. It is important to remember that the arguments rarely remain. A great question to ask ourselves when we are trying to choose our battles is, “Will this matter on my death bed?” It may be a bit somber to think about our death, but it is a valuable measure when evaluating what truly matters.

Perhaps considering these above topics will allow you to choose your battles and increase choice and freedom in your life.