Truth and Honesty: The Lie Invitee
Of course it is good practice in all relationships to strive for honest communication. It is important to have trust in order to increase intimacy. Trusting your partner is the foundation for a long-term stable relationship. These concepts are known truths. So why do people lie in relationships?
There are a multitude of answers to that question. There are the “white lies” which by definition are suppose to be harmless and lacking malevolent intent. These lies often are told to spare someone’s feelings or avoid awkward situations. Sometimes people lie to look good and get praise. This often happens when people feel insecure and inferior in a situation. People also lie to create symbiosis and commonality in relationship, perhaps lying about common interests, likes and dislikes, in order to create a feeling of closeness. There is also lying for fear of reactivity to the truth. This is when someone withholds the truth or creates a lie in order to avoid the wrath or emotional reaction the truth would initiate in the other person. This dynamic often involves what is known as a “lie invitee.”
Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson introduce the concept of “lie invitee” in their book, Tell Me No Lies. They emphasize that while much attention is focused on the person who lies in a relationship, it is equally important to identify the person who is inviting the lie. The way in which this dynamic happens is when someone demands the truth, but when the truth is told, the seeker can not handle the truth. A fairly innocent example of this is a wife asking her husband, “Does this dress look good on me?” If the husband honestly feels it doesn’t look good, and offers his true opinion, the wife is presented with a two choice dilemma. She could appreciate his honesty, even if it may hurt her feelings or she could get upset with the husband, there enacting a behavioral learning experience for the husband teaching him that it may not be safe to share the truth. Again, this is a fairly banal example, but a good one to shed light on the subtleties of how a lie invitee dynamic gets supported.
In Tell Me No LIes, the authors review the various emotional ways a lie invitee may react to the truth from pouting to tears to verbal attacks. They also coach the reader on how to shift from being a lie invitee to an invoker of truth. Some of the key components of facilitating truth telling in relationships are honoring honesty, listening non-defensively and remaining calm.
Honor Honesty
In order to honor honesty, one must understand and appreciate how difficult it is to tell a difficult truth. It takes a great deal of vulnerability to share something you know may be difficult for your partner to hear. It is important for the inviter of truth to appreciate the sharing from their partner.
Listen Non-Defensively
When we listen from a non-defensive, curious place, we are better able to hear what our partner is saying. In order to be aware of our defensive reactions, it is important to know what triggers our defenses. This takes some time to explore your individual vulnerable places in order to predict defenses arising.
Remain Calm
It is critical in difficult, truthful conversations to remain as calm as possible. This may involve taking time outs, deep breathing, being conscientious of tone and body language, and again knowing your triggers of emotional reactivity.
Please check out Tell Me No Lies for more information on the dynamic of the lie invitee. It is a relationship changing read!