Adverbs and Conjunctions: Words are Meaningful
You may wonder why parts of speech are featured on a therapy blog site. First admittance, I am a word nerd. I loved diagramming sentences as a middle schooler and when physical dictionaries were a thing, I owned several. I still love understanding the root of a word, its history, and its proper use. Secondly, as a therapist and observer of human interaction, I know and witness the importance of words and their usage.
There are two areas I want to focus attention on when it comes to different parts of speech: Adverbs and Conjunctions. I promise I will tie it to therapeutic implications.
The Dangers of Hyperbole
When listening to clients talk about their lives, I listen for patterns, pay attention to words, and am cautious about filtering through their inherent perspectives. I especially notice when a client uses what feels like hyperbole. Hyperbole is an exaggerated statement often used for effect. Adverbs of frequency are regularly my clue to a client’s hyperbole. Examples of adverbs of frequency are “always” and “never.”
For example, a client sharing about her husband’s behavior, “He never wants to talk and always ignores me.” Or another client who says, “Nothing ever goes right in my life.”
As a therapist when I hear these statements, I go to the emotion behind the sentence, but I also encourage a more accurate use of language. When adverbs of frequency are used it is usually because a client wants me to understand how hard the situation is or how much they are hurting which is important. The danger in using adverbs of frequency regularly is that they lead to perceiving life through those categories. When we expect a certain type of behavior or lack of behavior, it occurs more commonly.
To the first client, I might respond, “You are upset about the lack of communication and distance between you and your husband, which makes a lot of sense. I want you to be careful about using words like “never” and “always” because when we allow ourselves to categorize things and people that way, it is hard to notice change or expect different results.”
To the second client, “Wow, seems like a lot of things are off currently in your life and that is difficult to handle. I want you to be careful about setting up the expectation that it will “always” be that way, right? We want to look for the exception, not the rule.”
By encouraging my clients to look for the “exception, not the rule,” I am helping them move through a fixed emotional space.
Conjunctions - And Not But
A client reminded me recently that I encouraged them to see the “and” rather than the “but” in a situation. Let me explain.
We live in a world that encourages black-and-white thinking. We like things to fit neatly into categories. Our brain operates the same way, searching for categorization and patterns. The challenge is life and people are a lot more gray than black and white. Most situations and people are gradations of colors and categories. I find myself encouraging clients to think about things that may seem opposing and existing simultaneously.
Recently a client was talking about their frustration with their teenager, “I watch them show so much kindness and caring to their cousin, but then they leave a mess in the kitchen, walk out slamming the front door without a goodbye, and are late for curfew.” Or another client shares, “My mother continues to be critical of my life which completely pisses me off and I want nothing to do with her, but then when I’m feeling so lost about making this decision, she is the only person I want to talk to.” In these situations, I champion the “both-and” statement. Relationships and people are complex. Both sides of these situations are accurate. We can love and be frustrated with people at the same time.
Words have power and meaning. Watch and observe as you use your words to better understand yourself and others.