Communication: The Art of Becoming an Illuminator

At the end of January this year, Elmo, the red, furry, Sesame Street character, asked a simple question on his X (formerly Twitter) account, “Elmo just checking in! How is everybody doing?” The question quickly went viral with over 200 million views and many responses. People poured their anxieties and despair out to Elmo feeling safe enough to confide in this representation of security.

I had a similar experience in October 2017 when I attended a Coldplay concert at Levi’s Stadium. Chris Martin, frontman for Coldplay, checked in with the audience after playing a couple of songs. A few days earlier there had been a mass shooting in Las Vegas at the Route 91 Harvest music festival. Martin addressed that tragedy and sweetly asked, “How’s everybody feeling?” I remember tears welling in my eyes, not because I thought he could hear my answer, but because I truly felt like he cared.

Both Elmo and Martin are what David Brooks, political and cultural writer for the New York Times, calls “Illuminators” in his new book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. The short definition of an “illuminator” is someone who has deep reverence for the individuality of a person and the ability to create a safe space for that person to feel seen. Brooks creates a comparative model by also defining a “Diminisher.” A “diminisher” is more involved in their own story and doesn’t invite engagement for a deeper conversation. I love the terms “illuminator” and “diminisher” as they speak to stoking or stifling one’s light. To feel seen we must be able to share our light. For us to feel safe enough to share our light there must be an environment of safety. Below are some of the qualities Brooks defines as integral to becoming better “illuminators.”

Tenderness: Mister Rogers and Ted Lasso are the examples Brooks offers when thinking of tenderness. Tenderness is a quality that is soft, kind, gentle, and loving. It is the opposite of harsh, antagonistic, and caustic.

Receptivity: “Opening yourself up to the experience of another,” is how Brooks helps to define receptivity. It is the meeting of another without the judgment of your perspective, but rather with the blank canvas of understanding their perspective.   

Active Curiosity: Brooks explains active curiosity is to have an “explorer’s heart.” Allowing your imagination to wonder and wander through the experience of another.

Affection: As a society, we tend to intellectualize the knowing of another and Brooks encourages us to not divorce the emotion and heart from the knowing. It is with the softness of a loving heart that we can see more clearly and hear more accurately.

Generosity: Brooks uses generosity to explore the generosity of spirit rather than generosity concerning monetary exchanges. To have generosity of spirit is to assume and look for the best in a person.

A Holistic Attitude: Leo Tolstoy is quoted in Brook’s book to more deeply explain seeing people as a myriad of qualities rather than categorizing and limiting our views of another. “Every man bears within him the germs of every human quality, and now manifests one, now another, and frequently he is quite unlike himself, while still remaining the same man.”

I highlight and offer these elements from Brooks's book to encourage better listening and seeing of one another. Try to incorporate these qualities when talking with people to have deeper and more meaningful exchanges.

After the outpouring of responses to the great Illuminator Elmo, he responded with, “Wow! Elmo is glad he asked! Elmo learned it is important to ask a friend how they are doing.” Perhaps you will follow suit embodying the skills of illumination.