Conflict Avoidance Part 1: Difficult Conversations With Someone You Love

Have you ever felt a pit in your stomach when you needed to talk to a loved one about something important? Maybe the topic felt too overwhelming to discuss or was such a charged topic, you just wanted to avoid it. In these situations and most anytime you are considering a tough conversation, I encourage you to decipher the value and importance of the topic. It’s true there are some topics and issues that maybe better left untouched, but often, especially if the subject is important to you or impacting your mental health, you need to have the conversation.

It is important to understand that when people don’t have difficult conversations, there can be dramatic emotional repercussions. People can build resentment, frustration, and anger at their loved one when they don’t address issues occurring in the relationship. These heavy emotions can then build distance in a relationship and shut down vulnerability. If the conversations never happen and the avoidance builds, a chasm can form between two people. This chasm can feel very lonely and isolating further impacting your mental and physical well-being. While it is hard to start and have these impactful conversations, ultimately you are acting on behalf of your improved mental and physical well-being.

In this month’s blog, I begin to break down how to have difficult conversations. This month is all about the preparation needed to have the conversation. Next month we will look at the mechanics for the conversation.

A key element in any successful conversation is clarity of the subject and desired outcome. Here are some tips to further develop those areas.

Prep Work

It’s really important to clearly define the issue. I often encourage journaling. Start with a free hand, stream of consciousness writing about the issue. Pour out all the upsets, emotions, and historical pieces in your journal. You can do this over days. Take your time. Explain the how, why, and when of the topic. Basically get it all out on paper.

Then review your writing. What are the emotional themes? Is there a way to synthesize the points without getting lost in the details? Pick one or two main points. In difficult conversations more is less. Re-hashing details often isn’t helpful. Clear main points are crucial.

In your exploration of the issue and clarifying of the points, I encourage you to look at the emotional process underneath the fight or topic. I often explain to clients the difference between “content” and the “process” of a fight. For example, if the reoccurring fight is, “you never help me around the house” with the rebuttal argument being, “you are such a nag,” the “content” of this fight seems to be distribution of household management, but the underlying “process” is more likely, “I feel overwhelmed and unseen” with the rebuttal of “I feel under appreciated.” Basically, arguments about the dishes are hardly every about the dishes.

In the synthesizing of the issue you are also looking to identify your goal of the conversation. What do you want the outcome of this conversation to be? What are your individual goals for the conversation? Is it just to be heard or is there a need or request you are asking for in this conversation? Are you purposing a solution or do you want to brainstorm together for a solution? Is there room for negotiation? What are your needs around this issue? Again, similar to the main points, pick one or two goals and/or requests regarding this topic.

Lastly for preparation, do your best to expunge the intensity of your emotion around this issue. It’s hard to hug a cactus or a fire breathing dragon. Swearing, sarcasm, low blows, yelling and hurtful comments are not helpful when trying to have a difficult conversation. So get a punching bag, do some physical activity, journal a bunch, talk to your trusted confidants, yell into a pillow, or stomp on some cans in order to release some of your emotion before you have a tough conversation. Releasing pent up emotion not only prepares you for the conversation, but is also really important for your mental and physical health.

Stay tuned for next month’s tips for having the conversation.