Conflict Avoidance Part 2: Difficult Conversations With Someone You Love

Last month we started to explore having difficult conversations with loved ones. If you haven’t read last month’s blog, please do before proceeding with the steps in this month’s blog. Once you have prepared and considered your issue, main points, goals, and emotional release, you are ready for these next steps.  

Invite the Conversation 

This is a big step and an important one. Invite your loved one to the conversation. I specifically use the word “invite” because you set the conversation's tone. Inviting someone to a conversation is different from telling, demanding, or pleading. An invitation asks for permission and participation. An invitation asks for engagement. 

How do you invite a conversation? You can do this verbally, through text, email, written letters, or notes. You tell your partner you want to have a conversation with them and want to pick a time and place where you will both be able to be focused, in a good headspace, and open to hearing one another. Be willing to negotiate on the when and where of the conversation because you both must do your best to be as present as possible.  

Have the Conversation

Try a soft start. A soft start is leading with vulnerability. Examples of a soft start are, “I’m nervous to have this conversation,” “I appreciate you and your willingness to make the time for this conversation,” “You are so important to me and I hope this conversation can help us communicate better,” etc. A soft start can be naming your own emotion, sharing an appreciation, and sharing a connecting positive emotional statement.

Communicate your hopes for the conversation. It is a good idea to lead with what you hope is the outcome. “I hope this conversation….clears up some issues…creates better communication…reduces the pain we are both experiencing… allows us to be honest with one another,” etc.  

Be specific and avoid accusations or sweeping generalizations. This is not the time to rehash long stories or use too much description. The more specific and clear you can be, the better. Please avoid pointing the finger, literally or figuratively, at your loved one or using words like “always” and “never” as these are inflammatory actions and words.  

Acknowledge your role or responsibility in the issue. Rather than pointing out all the ways your loved one has contributed to the issue, stay with how you have contributed to the issue or how you feel about the issue. Own your part.  

Speak from your experience. Most of us were taught “I” messages in elementary school and while they can seem trite, this way of speaking is vital in difficult conversations. Using statements such as “I feel…,” “I noticed…,” and “I think…” to clearly and directly explain your concern, your unmet need, what isn’t working, and why it is important, will go a long way in smooth communication.  

Be open to their response with curiosity and humility. Allow your loved one to speak for as long as they need without interruption. Listen patiently. Take notes if you need to. Subtle validation, like nodding your head or a smile, can encourage more sharing. Be humble rather than defensive. Listen rather than plan what your response is.

Check for understanding. It is important to make sure you have understood what your loved one has said. An example, “I want to make sure I’ve heard you. I think what you are saying is….,” “Did I understand that correctly?”

Collaborate and brainstorm for solutions. During this part of the conversation, you are working together to create a win-win solution. If there are opposing opinions, allow and encourage creativity. See if you can identify some shared outcomes to work toward.

Summarize and restate outcomes. Usually, difficult conversations can meander through and around many different subjects. At the end of the conversation, work together to summarize the main points. Review any plans you have created for moving forward. Set a check-in date for progress if needed.

Having difficult conversations in constructive ways can produce more closeness, intimacy, and resolution. We all have needs and they deserve to be heard. May these tips help you achieve greater communication with your loved ones.