Self Talk: Nurturing Our Inner Kiddo

We all have an internal dialogue. The voice inside our head that can be encouraging, cautionary, and sometimes shaming. At times this voice is loud and other times very subtle. Unfortunately when the voice is loud and critical, the effects can be damaging. It is not unusual to have negative internal messages, but it also is not helpful. Here is an exercise to help you curb the negativity of your internal dialogue. 

First, I want you to bring up a memory or an incident in which you didn’t succeed, or you made a mistake, or you hit a roadblock. Conjure this memory enough that you can feel it in your body. Maybe you have a pit in your stomach, your face flushes, or your heartbeat races a bit at the memory. 

Now, I want you to imagine and maybe even write down some of the things you said to yourself during this event. What did you tell yourself after you made the mistake? What happened when you failed? What was your internal dialogue? 

If you find your responses are pretty negative, things like, “you’re an idiot,” “that was so stupid,” “you are never going to be (fill in the blank),” or, “you’ll never change,” this is the right exercise for you. 

Next, find a picture of yourself as a child. A picture you look at and smile or think, “damn, I was a cute kiddo.” If you can get the picture in physical form it’s even better, but digital works as well. 

Look at that photo and try to call up some of the negative things you hear inside your head. If you dare, utter those words out loud while you look at that photo. What happens? 

For most of us, it will be very hard to look at that little face and say horrible things. We will know that kiddo doesn’t deserve those nasty words. That kid deserves kindness and love. So why does the adult version of ourselves deserve any less?

When children are learning to read or ride a bike or tie their shoes, what would happen if they received no compassion or encouragement? While there are some philosophies that believe “tough love” or coaching with criticism works for people, what I have found  in working with clients is that the harshness of words creates fear and self-loathing, not an internal desire to persevere or succeed. So again, why would we use this tactic of harsh words uttered to ourselves to motivate or encourage our performance? It doesn’t make sense, but we do it all the time. 

Usually these damning words that become our negative inner dialogue were spoken to us by someone important in our life or we assumed these words were true because of the treatment we received as a child or adult. When we start to change the language we use internally, we are healing our inner child and developing compassionate self talk. We can only blossom when we learn to give ourselves positive, compassionate encouragement.

The last part of the exercise is to look at the picture of your kid self and say one or many loving, positive statements. Things like, “you got this kid,” “keep trying, your hard work will pay off,” “I believe in you,” or even “I love you and am proud of you.” See what happens when you start saying these loving statements to yourself. My hunch is you will feel a positive shift inside. Keep at it, even if it is hard. We all need to hear encouragement and love.