Tactical Empathy: Tips from a Hostage Negotiator

It seems as the election gets closer, I am witnessing in my therapy practice more people struggling to have productive conversations with their loved ones. Many are also struggling to engage in a civil manner with “friends” on social media. Tensions are at an all time high. The result is hurt feelings, more divisiveness, and nothing really getting accomplished.

I don’t think the only influence in the rising tension is the election. There are many factors such as being cooped up inside due to COVID, unemployment and financial stress, the inability to go outside due to poor air quality (on the West Coast at least), and huge cultural changes at stake. Perhaps the combination of all of these factors are making conversations feel more consequential.

Having difficult and subsequent conversations is not an easy task. It takes training, practice, and the proper mindset. I’ve been heeding the words of Christopher Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, who’s training includes the FBI, Scotland Yard, and Harvard Law School. During his 24 years of service, he worked on many very intense cases from kidnapping to international terrorism. In his book, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It, one of the strategies he implores is “tactical  empathy.” Voss describes “tactical empathy” as the ability to authentically connect with your subject by building rapport, mirroring their emotions, and really listening to them in order to use that empathy as a vehicle in moving the conversation forward. The goal in a difficult conversation is to make your subject feel heard in an authentic way in order to have any kind of stuckness transcend.

Voss explains a key element of tactical empathy is initiating a chemical bond between listener and subject. When a person feels truly heard or mirrored, it can often release oxytocin which is a hormone that acts like a neurotransmitter in the brain. Oxytocin is often referred to as the “cuddle” or “love” hormone because it acutely impacts our bonding and attachment to one another. If a person feels truly understood, they get a oxytocin release increasing trust and allowing them to move toward vulnerability. We get much more accomplished in conversation when we can meet each other with vulnerability rather than defensiveness. 

In fact Voss encourages the goal of challenging conversations be this bonding more so than an outcome to change someone else’s mind or have them see an issue your way. Most of us prepare ourselves for these types of conversations and think about what our goal or optimum outcome will be. If we make the goal a deepening of connection, reduction of fear, and increase of trust through being truly heard, we will be accomplishing so much more than the furthering of entrenched battlegrounds. 

To be clear, tactical empathy doesn’t mean that you have to like or agree with what someone else is saying. It means you need to hear what they are saying and understand it from their perspective. It is listening without uttering the word “but.” It is comprehending without refuting. This is the first goal in difficult conversations. Once someone feels appreciated in their views, then we can begin to ask, “How do we move forward from here?”