Aging: Reflections on Fifty Years

I recently turned 50. I probably would have been reflective no matter what year I turned 50, but turning 50 in 2020 has given me an even deeper desire to dig deep into what I’ve learned and what matters to me after all these years. Here is a distilled version of important lessons and principles in which I’ve come to live in my life so far. 

Curiosity: 

I had a mentor who said, “Come from a place of curiosity, not a place of knowing.” This message hit me like a ton of bricks. To me this message was freeing and inviting. Growing up as an achiever academically, there was something deeply instilled about “knowing” the answer, “getting it right.” I learned by driving toward the outcome, rather than being curious about the process. As I entered the field of counseling, one of my biggest fears was “not getting it right.” What if I didn’t know what to say or how to help someone? When I embraced curiosity, all the fear of the “right” outcome went away. I am innately a curious person so this philosophy was a natural fit for me, but I never could have predicted the joys curiosity have created in my life. With curiosity as one of my guiding principles, I’ve opened my world to new people, places, and experiences. Curiosity also released me from the pressure and angst of “knowing” or “being right.” I rarely get into verbal battle with people anymore because I realize that conversations are far more productive and interesting when one or both of us is coming from a place of curiosity.    

Take Responsibility:

In many ways this is another level of curiosity, just one that goes inward rather than out toward others. Own what is yours: the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. If someone gives you a compliment, own it and say thank you. If you receive, constructive criticism, own it and take a look at what you want to do with that feedback. When you accomplish something wonderful, celebrate it! In arguments and misunderstandings, understand that it is rarely one sided. What is your part? Start there because it will bring you a much deeper growth and understanding than pointing the finger outward. When you point a finger at someone else, remember there are three fingers pointed back at you.  

Don’t Take It Personally:

Someone said, “When you’re 20, you care what everyone thinks, when you’re 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks, when you’re 60, you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.” It’s a great quote and speaks to the realization that “you” think about “you” far more than anyone else does. It is really important to learn how to differentiate between a situation that is personally directed at you and taking something personal that has nothing to do with you. If we can remove taking things personally from the equation, it gives us the ability to have more compassion and empathy for others. I like the idea of giving people the benefit of the doubt and assuming no ill-intent. Then check the situation out to explore which is accurate. My hunch is the majority of the time that we take things personally we have misinterpreted the situation and there is nothing personal at all. 

These lessons and principles are like stones turned in a tumbler, they are becoming more and more polished. I continue to be a work in progress, but wouldn’t want it any other way. I hope to continue to tumble and explore for many more years.  

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