Relationships: Avoid Projection, Choose Curiosity
“Is this real life? Is this just fantasy?” Yes, these are the beginning sentences of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. These sentences also encapsulate questions I hear from my clients regarding their relationships. I often hear clients describe an awakening from a dream-like situation or an “aha” moment when the fantasy they projected onto their loved one is confronted with the reality of a situation.
“My husband doesn’t hold the same values about saving that I do.”
“My girlfriend is more of a homebody than I thought.”
“My partner and I have different expectations around discipline for the kids.”
These statements usually occur after we have processed the repetitive arguments. It isn’t a communication issue; it is a value issue. Value issues arise when individual values are not clarified or explored in relationships. If we haven’t thoroughly studied one another’s values, we fall into the trap of projection.
Projecting your unique understanding and perspective onto others is a human phenomenon. This especially happens in couples, but we see this in parent-child relationships and friendships. I laugh with my clients that the beginning of a relationship is similar to this: “You like blue,” said enthusiastically. “I like blue,” they say with assurance that this was a match made in heaven. Then, six months later, “Oh, you like teal? I like navy blue. Is teal even blue?” they said with annoyance and anxiety. It is not enough to stop at “You want kids; I want kids,” “We both like doing the same things,” or “We come from the same socio-economic background,” etc. We must explore important areas of relating with curiosity and depth if we have expectations around ease in our relationships.
It is critical to understand that each individual is raised in a family dynamic with a culture all its own. Sure, there can be larger generalizations of cultural implications, but we owe it to ourselves and our partners to explore the individual dynamics in a family. In every family, we learn how to love and fight; we develop our relationship with money, work, education, psychological exploration, etc. If we leave these areas unexplored, we fall into the projection trap. When we project, we often create expectations and assumptions. These are danger areas in any relationship.
So, how do you avoid projection, unfounded expectations, and assumptions? Curiosity!
Asking open-ended, nonjudgmental questions with genuine curiosity is fundamental to developing a solid relationship. Here are some examples in a variety of areas:
“What are your desires for this vacation?”
“What is your vision at the end of this home project we want to start?”
“What is the goal of the discipline you want to give our child?”
“What is your expectation around our physical intimacy?”
“Tell me more about your expectations for our financial health.”
“Tell me more about your priority level for your physical and mental well-being.”
The list is endless, but the above are real-life examples of conversation starters in relationships struggling to see eye-to-eye on a subject. The exchange started with one of these questions, continued with sharing from either side and resulted in a much better picture of the gaps between the two perspectives. It is impossible to explore all the ways in which we will irritate and come up against opposing views in relationships, but if we arm ourselves with curiosity, we can trust that we will get closer to resolution.